i may talk "former" glories

but i am. [the glories i speak about]

one step at a time though. one frame at a time. one turn at a time.

although it's gonna be 6 weeks, unemployment is a curse and a disease.

i'll find what means to me, and with His help, i'll find my way back again, and lead us on...

touched down at around 30minutes to three at singapore's budget terminal

cynically greeted with a mega poster that read "Budget Terminal - Enjoy The Difference"

i was wearing 3 layers on top and 2 layers bottom. standard at the least.

i don't think i've missed singapore at all.

and it's not that singapore ain't that fun.

on the way back on the cab. rushing through my mind was a burning desire to compare, analyse, cross-section, separate, distinguish the differences in the various cities i've been to.

amid the volume of details, a statement came to mind.

singaporeans live like they're really on an island. or "island mentality" to put it.

singaporeans are largely not able to deal with accomodating external demands. there's a stark feeling that, cities like sydney, melbourne, perth, tokyo, and even perhaps taiwan, have come to terms with their place and exposure to the world at large.

that they are not an "island" per se, but freely welcome others to live with and alongside them, even if it's with a different language, culture, race.

to singaporeans, anything new will get mobbed. anything different will get gawked. anything, any single damn thing, that's different is first super skeptically cross examined.

i've come back to my laptop sitting on this table somewhere in the tropics in the world.

i've come back with many things to write about.

all of, experiences, thoughts, conclusions, lessons, exposure, peoples and revolution.

it's 4.22am now. i started typing at around 4am.

i don't want to lose this moment.

where my 2 week experience in australia is just confined to a memory.

when the choices made daily there, are only confined to there and not here, here where i now sit, perhaps temporarily.

i don't want to lose the momentum of learning a new way. of doing things a new way.

it's not the fun that intrigues me. or that i just did so many things, and so many new things everyday in Australia.

it's not just that that i don't want to leave and put into the box. go away and undust it some day.

in a sense, i wish to freeze frame this moment. how even if my eyes were to be a neon signboard saying insomniac. i would not let go.

it's not avoiding the upcoming job search and job hitherto.

i feel all my experiences will help me in expressing myself and benefitting my employer.

but only if i can, as though a living organism, hooked up to a life-support system, encapsulate and implant it forever into what controls and defines and moves me.

beyond the wonderful sights, great action, indulgence, friendships, communication, thoughtfulness, fun and determination manifested during the trip's course

let my cultivation continue

and not look back to what was past.

i am actively stimulated, and definitely, the box world i used to live in has gone into the cardboard refuse cycling plant, never to be the same again.

i really thank my daddy god. i see him and hear him speak, teaching me as i go along, none to the passing eye detects any of such inklings.

ideas! they are priceless. and if any amount of money, could spark a new one, it would be more than handsomely paid off in due time.

sitting here at some hotel, in the middle of some country, in the midst of some part of my life

travelling now the 2nd week overseas

seeing new sights, taking in people's culture

opening my eyes to how things are done in other places. understanding where they come from(not in a literal biological sense)

i won't rank the cultures.

but travelling and making "overseas" common

(be prepared for alot of vulgarity, strong expressions, and wind strong enough to blow you out of your comfort zone)

it's over
my degree is over. BSc. Economics and Management

and Level I test is over too(pass or fail we'll find out soon)

had a dinner at lousy yoshinoya @ central. rice was stale everything was stale.

trooped over to jazz@southbridge

friends were abit apprehensive about the flamingLambo

so i just took the plunge.

it was okay.

about half an hour late. i and yang shared the waterfall. it was not as bad as the lambo.

i sit here now in a slightly not normal state.

but i'm happy.

i'm happy that i've returned to a happy state.

life was always meant to be happy. i was always meant to be self-confident. self-assured.

i'm happy. God told me He loves me no matter what today. as i was washing my face @ about 8am in the morning.

i get to do my career stuffs. althouhg i really wnana move overseas.

i've been telling people my prediction in 5 years time. there's no space in singaproe.

i'm seriously considering moving overseas.

i will work my ass off. but i cannot stand overcrowding. 3 years have come and gone and i do FEEL the effects of the government trying to increase full employment past up until a max popuulation of 6million.

maybe it works maybe it doesn.t

the other good thing is that i'll mvoe to a low tax area. hongkong . georgia. cayman islands. etc.

plus skip reservist once for all.

aged whatever. i realise. i do have th epower to choose what i want in my life.
from friends, activities. my name.

and now. citizenship according to benefits that help my career and future.

some people are happy and call themselves successful when they get a S class.

for me. i think. wtf is an S class. why would i listen to what you say if all you can think of is an S class..

WTF 300k only.

please. o please. i would rather commit suicide if that's all i get in life.

so maybe i forget what i deserve in life thank to Jesus.

but wheni remember. i remember all the way.

i beleiuve i'm worth at least 300billion dollars in this life time.

so S class....i MEAN WTF IS AN S CLASS

how about a MOzzler?

screw u small minded people.

i didn't live on past 7th july 2001 for an S class.

so yea. maybe i'll start a family soon. i don't know.

i know that today i graduate fully.

today. i wear my career hat forever.

i get the full chance to build my life....

so all u fugging small minded people. go suck if you're not happy with what u have 20years later ok?

if you wanna eat 2000 calories a day and complain why my fat level is so high...GO FIGURE

thanks. i'm a dose of reality.

and like stout. it's abit bitter.

nonetheless i love the people near me. and as much as i can i wanna love them int he way love is.

love accepts, edifys, and self sacrifices.

nonetheless. the blue print is the same

don't taint me with your shitty small expectations of your own life

GO !!!!! a TREE. yes. hope you enjoy the shag too in the meanwhile...

i'll seeya when i seeya.

cheers

BOOYAH!

today. okay so i missed the 12am deadline.
but well today 3rd June 08. i'm graduated. not in the mood yet cuz i have CFA on sunday.
but something my schoolmate shanice said...pointing at the this snow ice stall we walked past SMU
she said, remember that.
for a moment, still speeding along life. i didn't catch it.

then it all came in.
a bunch of us had snow ice there, 3 years ago. 3 freshies or sophomores.
at that same bench that's there.

3 years. gone. i'm walking free now. free from UOL. hopefully by god's grace a 2:1 2nd upper honours.
and i look back. how far he's brought me.
i wrote in my own personal journal.
things between me and Him. things i can't hold back. things, my heart tells me everyday. and i tell Him.
things that are in essense me.

he's led me through so many things. taking so much. demanding more(from the next)

but i know in this season. He's just been the bestest father and daddy god.
shaping me. showing me stuff, asking my opinion. letting what burns my heart be brought forth.
showing me what life is about, what people are about, the subtle things that go unsaid, how to manipulate things in your favour, why i feel the frustration i feel inside, where does it come from, how do i release it and realise it into reality.

closing the session. he's taught me about friendship. partnership. picking and choosing people who run with you. instead of against you.
people who believe support encourage you. of like feathers. of like beaks. of like scars or scarred before.
i've been quite shui bian about who and what.
but a 'non-decision' is a decision itself.
but i guess i just didn't have a set of values beliefs ideals goals objectives to back up my decisions.

anyway.
it's come and gone. and on sunday i have my CFA.
CFA to me was a choice i made. concerning my career. building my future.
it's part of. though not totally crucial.

i'm moving forward already.
moving on.
like my previous post. my feet will vote.
my mouth will try to communicate and persuade and sway.
my heart will lead, entertain, aide

i have certain targets. targets that are listed on the side.
other targets can't be listed because i just wanna have it there. until it's done.

i really want to be shipped overseas. maybe to utretch. maybe to london. maybe to dubai. maybe to shanghai. maybe to new york.

i want to be developed stretched.

my far sighted(i like) friend was asking me as we walked out of the expo hall 4a. he even asked us to take picture. awesome! i was too caught up. too machine like. forgetting. after all i known him 3 years too. he's a nice chap.
we were discussing about MSc. and GMAT.
i say yea. i'll probably do it once i settle my job.



my other friend got her offer from hyatt, i'm really happy for her. 2.4k/pm. i believe she can do very well. i've always told her that. i still believe so.
i know a winner when i see one. yea so go get the world girl!
but in my heart i'm like, shit, i've been sending resumes since last year.
still nothing. i really don't want to waste time doing say customer service, sales, or even settlements.
i mean i can. so many openings. but it's not. it's not. it's not.

it's like telling me to learn basketball when all i ever loved my life is soccer.
i've made some bad choices. and even about soccer. but i learn and won't make those again

if i do end up on the streets of shit somewhere.
i'll still churn out what my profession requires. surely God can develop me to develop a trading system or innovative product that everyone needs. i feel i need to be on the receiving end of shit to respond.

some people question why i move out. i think it's awesome. i still do.
i don't think i'll move back.
but i do say my family relationship has improved. we've talked more in the few hours we sit together than the last 6-7months before i moved out.
we appreciate each other more, and well are forced to communicate more.

i've also learnt, sometimes, the only one who believes in what you're doing is you.
but that's all you need.
and that's all i need right now.

looking back. so maybe i didn't get 1st class honours like i set out and wished to do.
but i was so dis-focused. so living so many lives. trying to do too many things at once. (still do)

it's like driving a car. if you hit the corner turning in with too much power on the throttle. you're either going straight into the wall while turning.
or you're gonna get your car spinning out.

well but i must say. it's time to consolidate some of my friendships.
it's a small group of them.
but yea i cherish them cuz well they kinda accept my retarded nonsense.

looking back, there was something consistent. i was always late for class.
i was asking god why. as in like just laughing curious.
he just told me. innately right. i was always bored and when i understood what was happening. i would turn off immediately after that.

although coming late meant missing much. and having to rely on others for information.
you loved it innately because it challenged you.

looking back at my final year. i played like there was no tomorrow.
i was working part time up until november.
when school term started in september!
december was full of gatherings, playing.

the nonstop activities lasted until may.
when i finally toned down. for 2 weeks i didn't run or shit.(feel like shit now)
just pure study and sleep.
it felt alien. and there were times my focus was lost.
i denied myself. i'd just stare. i'd fiddle with my phone. i'd sing songs. escape from the work at hand

but then he'd remind me not to do that so...yea.

i danced, i clubbed, i drank(not much), i hung out, i watched movies, i played football, i went running, i moved out, i socialised.

my job searching will continue.

my studying will continue. beyond cfa also. because i know it's part of what ill be doing anyway.

yea i guess part of growing up is choosing what u can do. and sticking to it for the rest of your life.

work is work. fun is fun. u can have both. and there can be both in both!

whatever la...

so yea. i've graduated. my counter on my other blog has run it's course from the first year i put it there.

*fake tears*

i can't cry now. i wish to. to say thank you Daddy God. to thank you for what's going to come because i know i'll challenge you in every way to give me more. but also that you are just gonna take care of me.

i was listening to mariah carey's bye bye the whole of this morning last night while i was studying(slpt 4 hrs only)

it just felt right. it gave my heart meaning. i'm studying for my last paper.

i felt i was saying bye bye...yet i knew there'd be a time i would be number 1...but who would be with me then?

C:

C:

http://edition.cnn.com/2008/BUSINESS/05/30/CMI.question/index.html

Article: "How to retain talent."
Jo Causon
Director, marketing and corporate affairs
Chartered Management Institute

---

the bold stuffs are actually what i have in mind as i begin my career soon.
in other words, i'm after what those managers are wanting.
it's something that burns in my heart. i want to be stretched. i want to be developed. i want opportunities.

so in that case.

i'm pretty flexible about where to begin. basically want an exposure to capital markets, derivatives, equities, trading, products, business-ideas in capital markets,risk.

NOT sales. NOT client/private wealth management. NOT corporate actions/hr/IT/n others.

but on top of that like all the stuff in bold.

the article may be about how organisations might consider improving to retain talent.

but it also shows how i feel about myself.

i'm all about moving forward.

i seek to challenge myself. i seek to accomplish, develop, build, expand myself.

and the article captures what i feel.

i'm learning to ask myself about whether am i completing my own objectives. because at the end of the day i have to answer to myself, when i look at where i want to be, and where i am at.

so i get to make those choices.

if you infer and extrapolate how i feel, over how my life will be over the next 2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 years...so that'll be 2018.

i won't be wasting my time in organisations that don't build me to take more on. and perhaps that includes some organisations.

i have my objectives. and there's not much time to waste in developing me first before i can accomplish those.

and those objectives accomplish my goals. and those goals sit well within the deepest regions of my heart.

so like what i said to some people who were not-getting-it with my plans. i tried to communicate. so best as i could muster and lump rationale, communication, and demanding a clear-cut response.

"if you love me, encourage me."

and like an entry i posted somewhere in march'08 in this blog.
i give you the offer to be part of the solution. if you reject it. then you're just part of the problem.

and i like to think of myself as very good at solving problems.

it's in my resume anyway. (okay not about the paragraph below)

like how i treat my football. i'm very clinical in putting the ball into the back of the net(scoring goals) and very clinical in my tackling(dispossesing the opposition of the ball). i make sure it's done, done well and don't stop until it's done, and on top of that, it also fits into the whole big picture of the game.(meaning you tackle at the right moment, so that you can counter-attack easiest)

so that's my style. my innate work flow. so if you're not getting-it-with-me. well...too bad then.

you can't fool me with pseudo-"love and interest in my life" and pseudo-mentorship just so i can run your biddings

when all along you were never interested in developing me, never interested in my objectives. and still ain't.

so I "will vote with their(my) feet and look for an organization that does..."

"I stand for freedom of expression, doing what you believe in, and going after your dreams."
Madonna Ciccone

he never held grudges
he always tried to bring everyone alongside him
never flinching to put in the time necessary
and in tough times, not looking at the clouds, but fully believing the sun's right there

it may have took him 13 years
and many a struggle and many a help from many a people

but he never gave up

now watch those others try to keep up

-description of someone i hold and learn from in such high regard, although at a distance

 

you ask me if i've forgotten
tells me you don't know

i can never forget

He came
and wrote on my heart and mind
things that forever change me
that He forever involves me

maybe only some will know

i guess you're not one of them

go figure n off while u're at it too

070701

i learnt a life lesson
a priceless one

"people only wanna come around you when you're fucking shining...
then...when you're down and out they just can't be bothered with you
so when they come around and offer all their nitty fucked up advice
that sounds so good
that sounds like they love you
they're actually painting you into their big picture
so somehow they can use you

nashon nashon...
what is the route already set before you...
that cause such joy that others see the sun and glory shining through you
that gives you that silly smirk and smile in the mirror every morning when you wake up
when frowns were nothing but nothing
and you felt alive and ready to take on more
stick to that
don't be distracted by the turkish delights the queen of the south puts before you
the great plans they want to attach to you

for when you stray
and your face is always filled with dismay
would they bother
no you would go to their scrap heap
no longer the working cog in their wheel set

strike out on your own
according to the principles you have learnt
according to the interpretation that makes life fun and meaningful again to you

you've had that experience once
suffer everything now again?"

people only fucking come around you when you're doing well...
then offer all sort of fucking advice that just messes up whatever you already have in place that got you to where you are now

people fucking wanna ride on your success
they'll coax you with whatever persuasions they can
but they're not thinking along the same strand

people fucking only wanna say what's according to their mind
their path
their route
their experience

i've enough.
i already gave up quite not so many few months. and some more recovering myself.
i've enough.

i know the path laid before me.
because this path was cobbered together by things simmering boiling in my heart for at least 6 years now.

go fuck up someone else's life.
someone who will subscribe to your system.

i'm not perfect.
so yes you can nit pick my failings now, so use them to make me follow you.
well neither are you.

if i fuck up my life and i read the things wrongly.
at least i can say i've tried.
and that separates me from the person He delivered me from.

so if you can't understand this

and if you say you really love me

you'd be on this journey with me

and not fucking in my ear with distracting doctrines motivations directions intentions

you'd be cheering me

you'd be supporting me

like i'm the lead driver in the team

cause i'm not driving for myself. i'm driving for the good of the team.

if you can't understand this

then there are many other souls around....

go find them instead

indeed i shall test whether you are for me...by whether you wanna follow my plan or tear it up before i began.

people only wanna fucking come and fuck it all up when you're doing well.
when the plan's finally getting down.

no more.
fucking no more.

i've observed this pattern for so long.

for so long.

mix me, not with the men that are far spent, who have given up on life and themselves

mix me with the men who daily put their hands to the plough, who have hopes and dreams of glory in their hearts;
who will get up when they fall; who demand more from life and of themselves; who choose not to live a life of frivolity.

let me be numbered among those who will usher in, decade after decade, new glories and new contributions and new and fresh impacts and beneficalness to society and the world at hand.